What I Wish my Friends and Family Knew About Miscarriage

I went back and forth on whether I should publish this post. Only because, the intention I wanted to convey is not from a place of hate but from a place of educating that leads to healing. It's been a while since I last shared a post from a personal standpoint and as always, I wanted to be open, raw, and graceful to discuss such a sensitive topic.

Last year November 30, I had a miscarriage. It was my first one (and I pray, the last). It shook me, and the experience tested my faith. There is no one word to explain the journey. It is similar to sleeping calmly, only to be awakened by a bucket of ice cold water.  The first couple of days aside from the physical pain was disbelief and numb feelings. The following days are the rollercoaster days, rollercoaster days of calm-emotional distress-stillness-more emotional distress.

I can remember though my conversation with my best friend who first experienced miscarriage the year before. How I wish I could turn back time and have offered more of myself to her. Offered more emotional support and whatever support she may need.

The thing is...you will never know how it is until you are in the same boat and had been in their shoes.

The experience had opened my eyes on different levels. I have a different view of true friendship now. The experience has blessed my marriage. I learned to trust God that He will send you the right people at a time when you desperately need it the most. He will send unlikely people. You will feel His love from the people you don't expect.  I saw Him work in our life not at the peak of answered prayers but through pain and darkness.





As I have mentioned, I wanted to share these points from the point of educating. Maybe you know somebody who had just recently experienced a miscarriage. Maybe, someday you will be called to show God's love. Through your understanding and compassion, perhaps someday you will be a part of a couple's journey to healing.

1. It doesn't matter how early or late I lost the baby, nonetheless, it hurts,

I cringe when I'm asked how far along I am when I lost our baby and they tell me "It's early, it's better that way" or "At least, I lost the baby early before I had the chance to see him/her". I lost the baby at 2 months. Whether our baby is a size of a pea or looked like clots of blood, that's life. A life that was supposed to grow inside my belly. I was told (on more than one occasion), that it is better to lose the baby at an early stage. If the baby was not lost at second or third trimester, does that make it less than a baby?

2. I am very grateful.

I have two beautiful and loving girls that provided strength for me aside from my husband. While I grieved and had asked the Lord, why? It doesn't make me ungrateful for the other two girls that we already have. The baby that we lost is wanted and loved. Miscarriage did not shift the gravity of my thankfulness for having two girls.  We can be hopeful and hurting at the same time. Hopeful that one day, when I'm called home...a little one will walk towards me and welcome me. Hopeful that we are not alone.

3. Regardless of the statistics and how common miscarriage is, or how many friends you have that had experienced miscarriage...our pain and our experience are different than theirs..

It is true one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. It is true that we are not the only one who had experience lost. Almost all of us have known somebody who lost a baby. But every journey is different. Regardless of how common it is, every parent has a story. It could be the baby that a couple had been struggling to have for years. The baby could be a mom's greatest desire and had prayed for..every night. There's a story behind each miscarriage that you may not know.

4. It is hard to find the right words to say but...

Do say something. This can be hard as every couple going through a miscarriage handle things differently. Some may not want to talk about it, some want acknowledgment that their baby did exist. But this is where it gets tricky if you have a friend or a family member that had lost a baby and in your heart, you know what kind of person they are....you will know what to say. Sometimes, words are not even necessary. There are several ways to show love and support.

5. It comes in waves. The sadness comes in waves.

We do not walk and pretend that all is okay. Some days, we get preoccupied with the flow of everyday life, but when sadness does happen, it comes in waves. We will heal, of course, years will pass, and things will change. It will be bearable. For now, do not rush the healing.


If you have recently had a miscarriage and needed support, there support groups out there for you. Here are some support groups, you don't have to do this alone.









For a comprehensive support group list (International too), SEE HERE.

Lastly. my husband and I have the tremendous support of our church. I do not know what spiritual walk you are in right now, or if church may have hurt you before. I want you to know that you need a community. We kept our eyes up. While we do not know and will never comprehend the miscarriage itself, we chose to trust and lean on the Lord. In the midst of pain, it will be hard to worship. But, keep on pressing in. A very smart friend told me that true healing will not come from friends or other people, only from His word.







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